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a few lessons learned from the trip to hell's canyon. another indescribable trip for many reasons.

- being cynical is not a flattering way of avoiding things of which you're afraid, especially when you're at a wedding, drunk, and showing your breasts to every man who will look at them (she did have nice breasts, though).

- i'm afraid of death. and marriage. and having kids. and falling in love.

- fear is fueled by uncertainty and is most intense when you have something valuable to lose.

- there's really not too much to lose by falling in love and uncertainty isn't a very encouraging way to live an inspired life.

- there is a lot to lose by dying, getting married, and having kids but i guess you get to a point when you're ready to exchange those things with what you'll lose. danielle was clearly ready to trade it all in - but she didn't have much to lose but mountains of despair.

- when you're sitting in a tent with visions of being the next set of names in the news that was never recovered from an Oregon blizzard, the claim that "we've got plenty of food to wait this thing out for several days" isn't the most comforting thing to hear.

- geology is confusing.

- scrabble is a great conversational stunt.

in a related note, i just ran across a quote that i captured back in 1997 from catcher in the rye (i think) that sums up my most recent experiences with nature and spirituality and death and love (of which there have been so many!)

"but most of all, above everything else, who in the bible besides jesus knew that we're carrying the kingdom of heaven around with us, inside, where we're all too goddamn stupid and sentimental and unimaginative to look...jesus realized there is no separation from god."

jd salinger is brilliant.

so today is earth day, which i'm mostly opposed to celebrating in the same way that i resent going to church on sundays. filter out appreciation of nature and your relationship with god from the rest of your weekly routine and we all end up a bunch of hypocrits. it is entirely unavoidable. so i ate too much food today and drove my car to the forest to run further than i drove to get there. then i consumed more natural resources by taking a super long, hot shower. fuck you, earth. i've got to be comfortable so i can work on my conservation research and teaching.